Part 2..a strange feeling today a…. numbness

003There is so much more to the story than I have written. I refer to what he did and how did it get to this (including more beautiful communication and love and care) but today or right now as I write I feel numb. I don’t know if I can be bothered recalling the lead up because 23 days and many attempts to bring him back to me even just to make a friendship that should have lasted have some kind of respectful ending seems fruitless and a waste of energy. And I am tired..of it…could this be the start of the point of no return for me finally? Am I getting to the point where I will finally let him go without a second glance like he seems to have done with me? It’s so sad.

There were 3 parts to his final small email to me the day after I left whilst I was still in Arizona, and I had offered to go back to his house before his daughter was due back because I had grown incredibly fond of her (we had talked about her coming to Australia and she wanted to spend part of the year here regularly) and I did not want her to be part of any fallout or see disrespect between Joe and I, it could and should have been sorted privately. Even though may last days in his house he had completely shut down communication about us, resigning it to not having the time for ‘small talk’ or ‘this shit’ or to have moments of anger and snarky comments to me which flipped like I was seeing Jekyll and Hyde for myself..I could never work out who was coming next. It had all hit me like a tidal wave that was consistently throwing my bruised and battered body against the rocks…the pain was palpable.

One evening he had a very pensive look on his face and I said to him ‘what is it sweetie, are you OK?’ and he looked at me in such a strange almost soft way and said softly ‘I can’t believe you are here’ and it truly looked as if he was amazed and did not know how to handle it. I melted on the spot, it was the most amazing feeling…a millisecond of that beautiful connect that had lasted for over 30 years silently and then had been brought open again over the last 9 months. But it was a very short time.

He then shut down again like he did after our first night together when even though we did our best to show each other how we felt it did not quite go to plan. He couldn’t, even though he tried. I play it over in my head and think if only….and I remember feeling so hurt and empty when he decided to sleep alone in his bed that night and not lay with his arms around me. It was our first night. He had shut down. It was never going to be an issue with me because I loved him and when you love someone it transcends any physical issues it must because our connect as humans is not just in the physical realm there are many levels and layers to true love.

In the 3 part final reply. Very short and uncaring the middle part of the sentence he said “Do not want u to come over again”. Cold, short, uncaring. I read it and my heart again shattered into a million pieces and in that moment I had never felt so hurt, scared or alone.

He had cut me off, left me there alone in a strange place half way across with world not caring if I lived or died. No explanation or attempt to talk it through or any level of concern that I at least make it safely back on the plane and home. NOTHING.

I know what alot of people would say and have said about the finality of that. On a rational day I would be awake and smelling the roses but love is not rational. I question now if any of this was real.

I read this quote by Bob Marley and I wish that I could could throw it him like a hard slap to his face as he deserves;

“The biggest coward is a man who awaken’s a woman’s love with no intention of loving her”

The pain and tiredness is back…..I need a moment and I will write again later today…..

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