I was just thinking about my time at LAX prior to flying home 3 weeks ago….I sat at the champagne bar at one stage…need to forget…
This time last week I was on a date, romantic…of sorts
Every moment, I thought of him..the yank, even though I was trying my hardest not to….my french teacher at University once said “Roslyn, to get over one you must get under another”, I love that the French are so liberal in a sense…but my months of loyalty and love for Joe was hard to break…it was still there but after many drinks and the company of a man that was really making an effort to spoil me, make things comfortable I just went with it…eyes closed at times
But amazingly he still calls me (isn’t it open slather these days…sexually…dangerously and unfortunately?)..its only a week ago, but he calls me daily if not a few times a day…just to say hi and chat, he runs a business but he finds time…its nice to know that there are still men that can be respectful…we are just friends. I don’t think I can do more for a very long time…if ever
He has called me a few times today and I can’t help but feel that as per a number of controlling men before and he is another Italian male ( and every one has been a disaster of epic proportions..they have me watched, they control, they use) he was checking up on me. Seeing whether I was going out..the calls are more frequent daily. If its just friendship, how do I trust it? At nearly 49 years of age and with several controlling men under my belt!!!
And the accompanying psychological crap that comes with it, how do I learn to trust those that may be just legitimately just wanting to talk to me and enjoy our friendship. He said tonight after one call “you are an Angel”. I trusted Joe unlike anyone ever before. He broke that trust so profoundly.
So, the bravado of this night is slowly fading, I’m still drinking because I don’t want to know what it feels like sober at this point. I can understand how people do it, day in and day out. It’s another form of sedative. A mask that filters the real world.
Songs are coming on my sound system like…right now “that’s how much I feel” by Ambrosia, Addicted to you”, Avicii (yes my sons would be suprised how many ‘modern’ songs I have:P). And then I hear some oldies but goodies and then i think of the time I missed with Joe. Still. This is not healthy. How can I think like that when he doesn’t give a damn anymore, and after what happened…..I think I am losing my mind over this….fr the first time in a while I think I am going to take a sleeping tablet…not a good idea with copious alcohol, but only one…good night finally!