I need to write about this, although I hope as time goes on my blog will grow and I will be able to write more positive and happy blogs right now it is more of a catharsis. The Doctor yesterday suggest I take it week by week, she gave me another week away from work (quite possibly the death knoll for my job) because she likened what I am feeling to bereavement. I still cry everyday. I am not comfortable with that term. I know that people who have actually experienced (death of a loved one or friend) it recently will be angry about that. It’s heartbreak not death.
I know for years I was frightened every single day that I may lose my beautiful son from his disease as is the nature of it that I was living in real constant bereavement and fear. It took it’s toll in so many ways and as I have said keeping me perpetually dosed with antidepressants only made it worse.
I am still waking and his face is my first image. It’s not even a handsome face anymore. After a couple of wines yesterday…and I know I shouldn’t drink when I’ve been feeling such despair but it takes some of it away…for a while…anyway, after a couple of drinks I remember thinking how much I am starting to hate him (yes that thin line between love and hate) and I was thinking about why and what in the hell do I see in him that does not allow me to disconnect from him completely. I have said again and again it makes no sense at all.
So the image that popped into my head as I was trying to distinguish this odd feeling was that of Fred Flintstone! He seemed taller when I was younger. He was alot more trim too but weren’t we all when we were younger, he had a gorgeous physique. When I saw him this time I realised why for months he had avoided sending me any recent pictures. As I’ve said it didn’t matter to me what he looked like I was already madly in love with him. He could have been balding and wielding a Zimmer frame and I still would have wanted him with all my heart part of me still does. But time and his lifestyle; which he had consistently told me was very active…he actually told me at one stage he had the body of a 35 year old! Once again the alarms bells had rung at that time but I had trusted him years ago and we had also built such a friendship and trust again when we reconnected I chose to accept what he told me. About everything. my motivation for being with him was nothing to do with physical…what was on the outside, I am not built that way.
Don’t get me wrong he still seemed very strong physically even though on blood pressure tablets and other meds which he said was preventative rather than as a response to ailing health, he was built like a Sherman tank. I found it hard to reconcile the image he had talked me into conjuring up and what I saw and I was incredibly amazed at what appeared to be a level of confidence in himself that was staggering in it’s audacity. But I guess that was part of the raw magnetism of this man…his sheer audacity AND mendacity!!!…I still shake my head.
When I start to speak like this about him I start to feel a kind of guilt. I still feel loyal to him for some strange reason and there is another part of me that says it was all a facade…that his actions and words were an almighty cover up of a man who craves a real love that will last a lifetime and that something along the way made him the way he is now and my attempts at breaking it off with him prior to and finally when I walked out of his house recently actually hurt him more than I think.
I took a moment away from this to accept a call from a male friend I have made recently, yes amongst all this one night I decided I needed to give myself a break and brave the real world so I accepted a date with this guy who’s name ironically is Joe! And we have become good friends in a short space of time. So much so that now we talk about how do we let go? This morning he messaged me to say this woman that he had walked away from was coming back regularly now with calls and showing up on his doorstep seemingly wanting to try reconcile what used to be a very strong love but ended quite badly and sadly for him I see the unfinished business…its what I feel I am in the midst of,,,although my Joe seems to have let go completely….there are some things I need to deal with so I will write part 2 later….