View from my pain…it’s supposed to heal in time isn’t it….Day 4 part one

Each day I wake feeling the same. His face is the first thing I see. I don’t get it.

I keep seeing flashes of the time there with him. I only spent 5 of the 8 days in total that I was in the U.S. with him and the 3 days after I left were painful and blurred.

I would wake up at all times of the night and think I was still in his house rather than the Hotel I was staying in and then realise that even though I was still in his territory and I couldn’t be further from him than I was there.

I would stare out the window of my top floor room out across the desert to the mountains that jutted out all around the incredible landscape. This place felt like it could be home to me…there was a resonance…but I could not be there unless it was with him…he already felt like the other part of me..at times I felt I could not breathe without him in my life..

After feeling the pain laying in bed and crying in I would force myself out of bed, shower and dress and take myself out to eat lunch and spend the rest of the day blitzed. Self medicated but at least not isolated or so I kept telling myself.

I managed to talk to people and inevitably it was fun because the cocktails took the pain away for a while and helped me to function. I have travelled the world on my own most of the time and always managed to find interesting people to talk to and have a little bit of fun and experience with and I decided that this had to be no different if I was to keep myself upright enough to make it to the Airport on the Saturday to make it back home where I knew the crash was going to come but at least I would have made it back from enemy lines…..

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