I had to break in between writing this as the old familiar feeling of anxiety, sadness and despair came like a massive wave over me both from recalling the memories and feelings I felt my last days there, and I received an email from work acknowledging my Medical certificates that have bought me the last couple of weeks in time to try rise above this unbelievable rubbish…sometimes I want to just scream at myself;
YOU STUPID GIRL how could you let yourself get so tangled up in this mess when you worked so hard to rise above so many other amazing challenges in your life…..
I will write those stories, the challenges and also the amazing crazy experiences I have had as time goes on and providing I can continue to gather strength from this journey I have just embarked upon in writing and exposing myself in a very public way..
It seems at times now writing this blog may be doing what months and many thousands of dollars with a Psychiatrist and Psychologist and medication could not do…help me to heal….I remember one day many months ago and in the throes of a wonderful time being newly reconnected with Joe, not long before I canceled my last Psych appointment with confidence my psych said “I don’t know why you think you need me, you are probably more sane than some of the people out there think they are including me”.
I need to go again soon, I have to visit the Doctor today and discuss…and I know it will be harrowing…what my next step is. Work has asked me to supply a Certificate not for my absence but now wanting me to prove that I will be fit to return to my job.
That is fair enough, they have been so understanding so far and I feel incredibly awful of the pressure I must have put my team under by my absence…It only adds to the ball of sickness and pain that has become a regular fixture in my stomach and brain and I know I have to make a decision or lose my job but quite frankly I am not in the head-space to go back there yet…if ever. I feel scared about that, it feels good to admit that I am scared. I don’t feel ready to go back and yet I know I can’t afford to lose my job not only from a financial perspective but from a career perspective as well. It’s career suicide but at this point I don’t have the energy to care and I know it’s not my bliss, it’s not where my passions lie and over this period the one thing that has become abundantly clear to me is that I need for whatever time I have left on this planet to live an authentic life. There is no other way.
I need to live my life true to me which means accepting a certain vulnerability and transparency which is not consistent with the natural flight or fight mechanism within us from early days.
In my quest to try keep myself from the Black Dog and when not in foetal position, I force myself to read and research about the mind and how to rise above personal crisis and live an authentic life which is what my soul was crying out to do.
It’s funny because in some strange way Joe started me on this quest 9 months ago when we reconnected which is the part of him and his form of care over that time that I treasure, love and can’t seem to let go. I still feel somewhere there is the Joe that I know is amazing, not controlling and egocentric. The lovely man I met 30 years ago….
I need to flip my thoughts…….:(
I read that psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis say authenticity is “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”
When I’ve looked around me on the rare times I have been out lately I struggle to find any authenticity. It seemed like so many are living a very inauthentic life including Joe and people seem comfortable with that. It’s not my place to tell people how to live their lives its up to me to be true to me and hopefully in the process people will agree and walk the walk with me and live their best life.
I must get back there…I will….I need to go to the appointment now…I am dreading walking out of the door. The time it takes to go anyway from here. I sit on the bus and train and look out the window and I feel the sadness again because everything I see especially the ocean and coast reminds me of him and the beautiful days and amazing feelings leading to the trip to be with him. I put my headphones on and listen to my Ipod..some 4000 songs on it and nearly every single one has meaning in it about him or love that is fought and won or lost.
I have many of the songs on there that he had made the tape of and sent to me many years ago, some beautiful and haunting to me but I can’t bring myself to erase them. I am my own worst enemy. I am working on being my own best friend….Right now…I miss him still even though he probably has not even thought of me.
The tears are here again………