I woke this morning and the first thing I thought about was him, it still is…they say it goes away over time, the pain, but right now I still can’t see it and I’m am so flummoxed as to why I am still so in love with him. When I finish my story you will ask why too!
So I wrote an email to him, yet again as a cathartic measure but also I guess in the hope that he would do the decent thing and pull up the cone of silence that descended the moment I walked out of his house earlier than planned my week there with him in Arizona.
I had to. I flew all the way to Arizona to see him at his suggestion finally. And the lead up to it was full of hope and promise. He would send little messages like “30 years ends soon”, “I think it’s finally hit me, I am going to see you after 30 years”, “I will make love to you all night”, “not long now”, “Getting closer”. and other short but nice words that showed me he was looking forward to it as much as I was. We had chats on the phone in the weeks leading up to it it felt good and we laughed with each other, it felt so right. At one stage he asked me to buy a house here so we (although now I realise he probably meant he and his daughter) could spend some of the year here.
I had asked him many a time over the 9 months we communicated if he would send me recent pictures of him and his daughter. He always found a way to avoid it. He told me the one that I got of him on Linkedin was only 6 months old…its how he looked still, he said “is that what you are worried about?” defensively. I wasn’t worried at all, reality was that time and life takes a toll on all of us and even though in my heart I knew he wouldn’t quite look the same I loved him as Joe…my Joe….I didn’t care what he looked like I felt his spirit…and in the early days his beautiful spirit was what I fell in love with. I guess in his own mind he meant it. His mind, my god brilliant in technical matters but what a minefield emotionally. I actually worried about him. I’m not a stupid woman I had alarm bells going off everywhere and in my honest and out there way at times I would call him on things but always meant it in the best way and in honesty and the in the spirit of a loving and caring relationship…
He couldn’t see that a lot of the time, I now realise why. It must have been quite stressful keeping up a facade knowing that eventually truth always comes back to haunt us. And for a powerful man used to being ‘in control’ of his life this was always going to be difficult.
When I woke this morning, after I wrote him, I felt pain and drain again. I spent a couple of hours laying in bed wondering what I now want to do with my life? Where do I want to be, what do I want to do as a means to earning a crust? Money no longer figures as important in my life but unfortunately in reality you need it to survive and to have some kind of quality of life. Particularly in a city where the cost of living has risen above some of the biggest and most cosmopolitan cities in the world like London and New York.
It would be so easy to give in. Let the “Black dog off the chain”. There have been fleeting moments the last few days where I can’t see forward. I can’t see a future, particularly without him in my life. You know how ridiculous it is to think that way but the despair has you in its grip like a vice for an amount of time.
I am realising though that this time is more about the loss of the love of my life and trying to reconcile that I won’t be spending the rest of my life with him in another country…so what to do with a life I thought had a clear direction? when so little brings joy.
I get angry with myself for being so self indulgent. I hate myself for my vast array of weaknesses even though the few friends who have bothered to stay in touch over this time and ask how I am tell me I have become a very strong woman who is intelligent and has an amazing outlook on life and will rise above this in time….One even said “you’ve got this!” the new catchphrase of the empowered woman.
I’m sorry my darling friend right now I want to break down and cry uncontrollably again. For the life I won’t have and the life I don’t know I will have….break time…I’m losing it again…..