The biggest part of my experience with depression (and as I have said now I no am no longer medicated)….although I would vehemently deny I am in a depressed state at the moment is the social isolation. The reason I don’t feel I am depressed right now is that I am functioning to an extent and I am answering the odd messages I have been getting, keeping attached to social media and even writing this now public blog. But I am in my room curtains almost closed and am feeling that any interruption to my isolation right now would be unwelcome.
In the very depths of my very black periods for months on end I would shut off completely. Not answer calls and messages, find an excuse not to attend things I was invited to just cut off. It was an effort to breathe at times. I did not want to talk to or be around anything remotely human. I felt that there was only pain to be found in opening yourself up to the exposure and all I wanted to do was sleep so I did not have to think about anything…it was where I found peace. And at times I would fantasise about the bliss of never waking from that peace.
In those times you could never be so public about it and you didn’t want to anyway because of the stigma attached to the label. There still is to an extent with a problem that is so far reaching and often very silent still…some manage to move about in a semi normal way finding a way to function their state but teetering on the edge of something that could take your life in a millisecond.
One day I want to help others but right now I have only enough energy to be selfish.
And again I feel that I am in a very deep sadness but not depressed. I guess time will tell. I think if I was still on the antidepressant roundabout I possibly would be in an even worse state right now it has a way of masking to such an extent that you have trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy. I’m not sure if that makes sense, I hope it does.
BACK TO WHY I AM HERE….
He has not responded to my email this morning. I don’t think I really expected that he would. His silent treatment became part of a modus operandi which I quickly realised was part of the controlling behaviour that became more obvious as time went on. I am drawn to controlling men. I know it stems from my father and even to an extent my mother and throughout the years I have had relationships with many a man who had these tendencies.
Even in my marriage my ex husband who once again like Joe has a brilliant technical mind but emotionally was so inept and used his brain to wield a kind of power that often had me thinking how dumb and small I was. Part of that is self esteem, yes. People are quick to say ‘oh just be tough and strong, you’ll get over it’ but they don’t realise that the imprints of a history of psychological abuse is also so devastating it can be lifelong and pervade your decisions and direction in life to the end…whenever that may be. BUT I DIGRESS….
I know I may be about to lose my job. I understand that a business can only offer support and tolerance so far…it is a business after all. My current company is wonderful in so many ways and I am grateful I have had the opportunity to work in it and with the people within it. It is one organisation that truly tries to do what it spouts in its mission statement and does care about it’s human capital immensely.
I just can not focus on the job right now, it offers no distraction at this point and I would not be operating as I should and that does not feel good in itself. When I function fully I am very good at what I do, I know that.
The mere fact that I can say that whilst feeling as I do right now tells me I am not depressed. You don’t compliment yourself when you are, you think how better off everyone would be without you around. Another breakthrough moment for me there…
As i write this I see moments of clarity and strength which I did not feel as I wrote the end of part one today.
Joe is never far from front of mind…he darts in and out and if I could find a way to block him out completely I would and sleeping constantly was a large part of that in this past couple of weeks.
I need to continue on the story of the trip I just returned from which has me where I am at present and the lead up to it. But once again my mind is starting to feel a level of tiredness and this horrible sad feeling hovers over my shoulder….when will it end?