The turnaround..what a bloomin awesome world…there’s hope!

I am stuck here..in upperkimbuktawest (!) as per my previous rant, however, life can only get better from here I feel (fake it until you make it even!!).

I saw an amazing presentation by TED on the net about a guy 3D printing a Human kidney and the hope it will one day resolve the need for organ donation and all the associated heartache. There is so much good out there despite the stuff I am bellyaching about, when I read it and keep my mind open to other things there seems an incredible amount of hope…

Not a moment ago I got a FB Chat message from half way around the globe and I replied straight away, my Swedish friend who is in Rotterdam..this was real time?! I still am blown away by it, coming from generation snail mail and landline attached dial phones…and Wham! (See George Michael!)

Its about mindset and I’ll be buggered if I am going to allow myself to become so overwhelmed by everything it panders to the chemicals in my brain or the patterns that have been set in my mind from past. Not dismissing it by any means but somewhere the fight I have been encouraging within me is finally gaining momentum..the triumph of good over evil, the Yang to the Yin or whatbloodyever!

I am mindful of what a previous Psychiatrist, yes, Psychologist and Psychiatrist been there done that, said as he hoped to increase my dosage of antidepressant when I asked him to help me stop taking them plus add Lithium, a mood stabiliser. Yikes, a mood stabiliser, pour moi? I may be on rotation mood wise right now but with very good reasons (at times a bit like a blue arsed fly spinning in the death throes after a good whack of Fly spray) but I said to him at the time you mean you want to standardise me, you want me to be like the other zombies out there that conform to societal norms and just be damn quiet ” NO, I REFUSE, I like my individuality, I am Roz, I am fecking crazy but I don’t try to hurt others in the process and surely we need to feel to create?”…And then I walked out of his office and cancelled the rest of my appointments!

A loose cannon perhaps? Maybe a little, but as long as I don’t hurt others (ahem, Mr J DeP you psycho man) nor try to hurt myself in the process should I not have the opportunity to fix me sans Medication?! Bien Sur!

Unfortunately I am missing this aternoons party, kinda by choice but more so because yes it is hard to get the heck out of Upperkimbuktawest without the batmobile, but I intend having a nice afternoon anyway and I am enjoying listening to great songs and reading about awesome things that remind me that there is hope…everywhere you look there is hope, if your eyes are open wide enough, you have good people around you and you are clear of other influences….

The most isolated city in the world….can’t de-isolate here even if I wanted to! Working through it..

Each day now I wake and even though I still have his face instantly pop into my head I am finding it a little easier to acknowledge; I allow myself to think about the things that still obviously disturb me about the J situation, for a little while at least because I have found that  when you try to shove things away in the cupboard you actually are just postponing the clean out! So I acknowledge, feel and then say OK that’s enough for now onto other things.

It seems to be working and I guess seeing my Psych in a couple of days will offer additional benefit with the things I have opened up but I have to say I am amazed at how much more OK I am starting to feel each day.

I have never recovered so quickly from a real bout of depression which makes me question if I was truly in one this time, but there are various shapes and forms of that beast and I would never make light of the issues I know I still have to deal with to make the big changes, so I don’t keep make the same mistakes. A work in progress but I am grateful for the strength I am seeing in myself and I actually think I am really seeing myself for the first time. At 49 years of age.

Aside from that today there is a party to go to at a very treasured friends house and I have had full intention of it being my first foray out the door finally and into a social situation amongst friends. Went out the other day to the doctor and at that time the process was difficult but as I said since I have been talking to friends remotely and keeping in touch…but not in the physical sense.

I do want to go, I do feel a slight anxiety, but I don’t think that is the real issue here.

I live quite a way out of Perth where transport is a problem (at this point I have no choice because I can not afford the high cost of rent and living any closer to the city and I am by no means the only one as I have said in previous posts). Perth is a vastly sprawled city and many of my friends live in opposite directions of each other and far apart.

Every day going to work (I haven’t for a number of weeks but I will probably commence again very soon) takes a minimum of an hour and a half each way because of distance and lack of transport and every second Monday because of the earlier start I am required to make and at this time of year I stand in darkness at the bus stop and find myself having to yell and jump around wildly almost stepping into the path of the bus in order for the driver to see me. They have driven past before!

Even if I had my car still it would probably not really make a vast difference because people here are forced to drive through lack of good transport and the government keeps allowing and encouraging and forcing (because costs are so prohibitive) people to live further and further away from the city so the bottlenecks of traffic all headed to the one destination each day is staggering and its own set of problems. I find myself peering out of the sardine can that is the train and saying surely this is less uncomfortable than that out there?!

We are the most isolated city in the world, I say City because the criteria for being classed as one is generally in terms of over a million in numbers. We currently have over 2 million people.

In terms of getting anywhere here with ease and less expense you can forget it. And I think it is this limiting factor coupled with the extreme croneyism and outdated and prohibitive rules and regulations that has been part of this cities landscape for many years it makes socialising and being in touch physically with friends and family quite difficult.

I have lived in other cities both overseas and within Australia so I know how it can be and it breaks my heart to say it but everytime I come back here to live I find myself feeling miserable..feeling isolation within isolation on top of everything else.

So we are the most isolated city and are isolated within the city! This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I know I have travelled alot, and may people say we are so lucky to live here but they don’t really see how this place is a prison of sorts albeit a beautiful one.

I am not trying to find more things to be miserable about when I have been supposedly starting to feel better but the frustration I feel with wanting to venture out and do and the logistics involved in doing it seems a very big mountain right now. I am simply existing.

But there are so many so much worse off…..I must remind myself of this…where there is a will there is a way……hmmm?

I’ve spent too many years at war with myself….Gotta love the Martini..gotta love Sting

Got to love the Martini…you derive more benefit from less drinks…all well! Feckin yippee..

Listening to classics; Mona Lisa- Nat King Cole, Ill Wind – Billie Holiday and others and then the years progress, ’77 and 10CC Things we do for Love, I was particularly flummoxed about the line “a compromise will surely help the situation” well not mine, you haven’t met JOE!!

And then this wonder by the marvelous Sting https://youtu.be/0aQhIxRMcDk  ” Consider me gone”. Great lyrics;

“I’ve spent too many years at war with myself, doctors have told me, its no good for my health”.

Sting reminds me of my time back in London 1985, I was meandering through life in London, met some interesting people including a guy who wrote for the long defunct Musician Magazine and eventually Rolling Stone etc Vic Garbarini. We would meet for coffee’s regularly and chat after meeting each other in a 7 Eleven where after I had said to him “I am going to be Australia’s answer to Madonna” he must have thought, this bird is just crazy enough to do it! I didn’t obviously, but at one stage he mentioned to me about being at this Chateau in France with Sting when Sting was making another of my favorite albums “The Dream of the Blue Turtles”. And I remember at the time I was thinking yeah, I don’t know.

We kept in touch for a while even after he returned to the states. I think I remember him saying his brother or someone close (he wasn’t gay himself not that that’s relevant or matters) had contracted Aids at that horrible time in the 80’s where ignorance prevailed. I felt so sad for him.

Anyway a number of years later and we had lost touch I came across the DVD for the the Dream of the Blue Turtles and in the Chateau, one of the songs I cant remember which right now but there, in the frame was Vic as he had said. I remember thinking, well blow me down he was serious! Not that I really doubted him.

That same time in London I remember being accosted by some people who thought I was a London Goth, it was how I happened to be dressed one day, winklepicker boots mine were lace ups and all, black clothes. They asked me to have my photo taken with some American Hip Hop artists The Fat Boys, they took photos of me aiming for the bottom of one of the boys with my winklepickers….never did get the copies of the photos mind you I was kinda transient at that stage. Wish I had copies though.

Whilst there I dated a guy that wrote some songs for  80’s divas Bananarama. One morning I remember him showing me a royalties cheque he had just got in the post.

That was an interesting year. It was the year I lost touch with Joe.

And on a lighter note….it really is a man’s world take the panty shield!

I so want a Martini right now, no not to become comfortably numb again although the added bonus of that is undeniable.

The afternoon got better when I watched a documentary on TV about Susan Sontag, yet another well known American writer amongst other things (filmmaker, teacher, political activist) who lived an incredible life, her way, I will not go into detail here those who are interested can find an immense amount of information on the web and in her prolific works.

Needless to say I feel incredibly inspired when I hear the story of people like herself these wonderful creative people who are more often than not incredibly flawed yet live amazing lives. Makes me feel there is hope, in a strange way.

One of her friends described her as a person who was interested in everything and when they said that I felt my god, that is exactly how I feel, all my life I have found so many things I love to read, learn and want to know more about, do, its as if at times there is not enough time to do, learn and experience it all because of the life we are required to live, its another source of frustration for me!. I have always felt that the notion of someone being interested in everything would seem quite bizarre or crazy to others.

I have often said to close friends in conversation that at times I have avoided the company of certain people because I already know what the conversation will be and I once again will find myself bored to tears talking about the colour of the brick chosen for the home extension or Mrs Brown’s sick cat (no offence to Mrs Brown or the sick cat), or the new car the person has just bought which has an extra air bag..by god I don’t give a shit about airbags when there is so much else to discuss and yet as I write this I think about the sometimes content of my blog and say arrggghh to myself because at times I seem to be talking about Mrs Brown’s sick cat who was hit by the airbag myself oh the irony!

This evening as ideas were running through my head I felt incredible annoyance at men in particular because as I reached for a sanitary pad, YES, I AM REALLY GOING THERE…I realised that they had shaved even more centremetres off the middle of the pad which is so incredibly crazy because to me the middle is the most important part becuase it sits where what we are trying to contain is most likely to fall and I realised that when they do this there is probably no consultation at all with women in this process even if we are the ones that are the purchaser of such products yet another classic example of it being still very much a man’s world. And as you know right now I am certainly not a fan of certain men and in particular one especially.

I realise this probably appears to be quite random and inane banter right now, its a diversionary tactic as I really don’t want to think about the things I have been focusing heavily upon lately and end up in that sad dark place again and on that note I think a Martini is now in order and perhaps some music and may be even a chat via the net with friends.

No visit to the dark side tonight.

Random thoughts…..how to cheer yourself up via the internet! Then him again…

It is a beautiful day in this city…Perth Western Australia. Although it’s winter the sun is out and really not winter at all in some ways….Well that’s what I see from my window and am reading on FB posts etc.

Emerging once again from the morning after alco haze and the brain starting to spin with the wrong kind of thoughts..this is the challenge of what’s happening at present in my mind. So in an effort to try direct it in a positive way whilst still firmly ensconced in my room I have been surfing the internet on my random thoughts.

At one stage I actually googled ‘bored shitless’ and a FB page came up(no joking!) “being bored shitless because you live in Perth” which actually had some quite hilarious posts, some quite rude but funny nevertheless so I sat and read it for a while, as you do! I needed a laugh, it is amazing how a few minutes of a bloody good belly can really start to turn things around in your head.

I see the merit in laughter classes even though when I have witnessed it on TV watching some of the people forcing fake laughter it made me think how freaky they looked, but eventually the fake turned to real and it brought temporary joy…the whole point.

Then I started to google quotes about life, positive thinking etc and this John Lennon quote came up;

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

How true is that! He was one of the amazing, smart and good ones who made a positive contribution to this world and left far too early…something I talked about in previous posts.

It’s a public holiday long weekend here this weekend. Many go away, many take that well earned rest after a tough week at work, spending time with friends and family and many will be doing what I am doing…wasting precious hours online when they really should be out in the sunshine and breathing in nature.

6 weeks ago, prior to my trip, I would be doing some of the above plus in between making my way to the gym to do what Joe first motivated me to do..get myself healthy and active so I “could keep up with him” which he had stressed over the phone one day that “not even my daughter can keep up with me” and “I have the body of a 35 year old” (he is nearly 60 and trust me..he was lying). Well that wasn’t quite what I witnessed when there, I saw him passed out snoring on the carpet in the lounge room, on the couch, on the bed in his room and here was I fit and raring to go like he asked me to be and I had to witness him sleeping in front of and not ‘with’ me, but at least when he was like that he was not either glued to his headset ‘performing’ in his job and I mean ‘performing’ (don’t get me wrong, that bit was fine even though he had told me he was going take some days off whilst I was there and he didn’t) but the other, barking orders at his daughter or making snide and nasty comments either to me or about me, or complaining about other people and also me roaring comments like “there are lots of people talking but they ain’t really got nothing worth saying”. Ironically, sometimes I agree with him!

Yes, I know…the evidence shows I really am not over him and I am rehashing things I need to let go but as I did last night when I really recall each individual comment or moment it reminds me why and how I got to the point where I walked out of his house 5 days into my visit, a visit that was both so looked forward to and exciting and then soul crushing and leading to where I am at this moment….nowhere.

I have to continue to experience and work through it (and other issues) even if it seems I am rehashing, going round in circles, reliving what should’ve been forgotten, whatever else and this is the time to be doing because I need to have an ultimate goal…to make it out to the other side in tact and in better shape than ever and in every way…..KEEPING AT IT…

Timing…The Scandinavian…Missing but not hurting…honestly?….one month along…

I started to write the stuff below and then Bam…I got a text from a man I dated (!) (one of two, outrageous and perhaps stupid at the time I know) when I first got back as a kind of “to get over one you get under another” type of date (very French..it is a french saying but it rarely works unless you are in the right headspace)!

I was so hurt, bitter and twisted about what happened with Joe it was like a mercy…date( I am a woman and I have needs and for 9 months I waited for Joe and did not look elsewhere, a big part of me felt guilt when I did when I got back!). Almost a month on and he is still thinking of me (Fin boy)..nice to know…timing hey?!..Unfortunately he is flying today via Santiago to eventually arrive back in Finland his home country even though he now lives here and will be away for some time. I don’t really want another relationship so soon anyway if ever again I sometimes think! And if I am to be real about this there would not be a ‘relationship’ with either, one of them has already fallen off the planet (and I really don’t care about that quite frankly I am glad!). But this one is nice, and intelligent and very Scandinavian in his thinking and in some ways I like that because you always know where you stand…if you don’t know what I mean about that then read this passage below written by a Scandinavian man:

Dating a Scandinavian

I’ve always been fascinated by American date movies because it’s like watching some weird rituals in some far-away country I don’t know very much about. I’ve also lived in several non-Scandinavian countries for longer periods – USA, Greece, Germany and Italy, when I was young and single and thus in the dating segment. But dating was like a foreign language to me – as it is when I watch American movies and television shows. So I might have gotten the dating “rules” of your country (which might *not* be USA and therefore not part of those American movie rules) entirely wrong and am thus making a big thing out of nothing. Quoted from an old blog post by Thyra10 “so you want to date a scandinavian”. It is quite hilarious and eye opening if you have a penchant for Scandinavian men!

Below was the bellyaching I was writing as I received the text:

I know I said he doesn’t have the power to hurt me anymore, he really doesn’t, but I really miss him today and I can’t quite figure why? It feels like this stuff is a broken down record…the needle is stuck in the groove but I guess that is fair enough because when you love someone so deeply it doesn’t go away in a second.

I’ve been hoping it would, I am so impatient for it to be where I don’t think of him at all but it’s been 1 month since I walked out on him in Arizona. My beautiful friend and I discussed it at length yesterday and he had said ‘only tell me if you feel you are ready to talk about it’ he didn’t want to reopen wounds….

Bah humbug I say again…my head is obviously in mish mash today. Probably because I had nearly a bottle and a half of wine last night before I passed out, but at least I pretty much had a good night talking to a friend and we did talk about many other things after both our patience with this Joe thing had worn thin!

AND I no longer think I am actually depressed right now (even though my doctor thinks I am), just very messed up…but sorting things in my own way and in my own time. Swings and roundabouts…crossroads….and I do miss him…

Stay “Happy”! Does Pharrell put happy drops in his musical formula?!…Cheers! Got my download Driven to tears…

I intend staying happy today, and I have just spent hours talking to my friend in Sydney who sent me the beautiful card I posted about yesterday…hours… and we drank wine as we bantered about magnificent things, as I said he is amazing. I know some of the most amazing men who I seriously can imagine would be the most amazing husbands but for very good reasons its not your match.

It’s amazing how in these times we can have almost a social occasion without going outside the door. It is almost like being at a friends place and sitting and having drinks and talking but the only thing missing is the visual cues. I guess we could have skyped?! But phone and wine were fine for us until we can catch up again.

So I am again anesthetized but in a good way, and its been a good day, and I am aware of how I may feel tomorrow and I will deal with that tomorrow. I hate looking at things under the microscope but at times and with honest intention and added view of others you must look at your behavior and own it and realise that as a consequence of your actions, decisions you made opened yourself to what occurs

And then there is the other factor the other part of the equation, the other person. Needless to say I discussed things I didn’t think I would recall about my time with the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life and he understood why I walked when I did and in fact asked me how I could even contemplate loving this man. It’s over anyway.

So now, several wines to the wind and feeling good still I am listening to music, I am with my “friend” music

I downloaded a song that I heard when I was in a sports store,  I was trying to kill time whilst I was in Gilbert, Arizona my ridiculous time with that man, then as I flew out of Phoenix, then again as I flew out of Los Angeles, I had this song on repeat… because irrespective of the fact that I had just been with man who had NO IDEA HOW TO TREAT A GOOD WOMAN it, the song was by a man that loves and respects women so much..its rare but not unheard of….I love you Pharrell… we need more of you in the world…and I love Daft Punk too, they remind me of my sons and our dance around the coffee table when they were little.

Love this song : Gust of Wind – Pharrell Williams https://youtu.be/VWSRtPTmRr4

And that song ..thanks to “Joe” from Itunes who was a marvelous help with the song that didn’t download properly;

Driven to Tears – The Police https://youtu.be/mJK-fXBeJkQ

Awesome. … I still feel a slight guilt about enjoying myself..with alcohol because of him…its not his say anymore, and I am OK

MUSIC AND WINE, how can I not be??

The cost of crazy….wasn’t Australia the lucky country?…Bah humbug…

So I made my first appointment with a new Psychologist as advised by my Doctor yesterday which I knew was going to cost me alot of money I pretty much don’t have right now. $180 Australian dollars for just under an hour (that’s actually cheaper than my other psychs at nearly half price!!:(..), with less than half of that claimable back through our Medicare system (only for a small number of appointments) which our Government is currently in the process of clawing back as much as it can from in order to cover their arses as the Country sinks into the mire of an almost recession. Yes, when the shit hits the fan Governments go for the sick, the poor and essential services first cause we’re easier targets than the rich.

But, what price can you put on your sanity and if something is going to help in your ability to go forward with your life. These things should be a priority, if you are well in the head you can be a productive member of society and surely that helps the bottom line?

As I said, I can do some of it but I can not do it alone!

I am feeling a bit better today and hopefully it will remain so, so I have been reading and researching again..ultimately I will work for myself when better and as I have always wanted. Doing what I want to do not what I am told I have to ‘authentic’.

Then I make the appointment and the costs are advised and all of a sudden I get that sinking feeling in my gut because the other part of my worries right now is the ability to afford to live let alone afford my growing medical bills. Then I kick myself that I wasted the money I did going to see Joe….no Rozy…you must not think that way…it is done and you did get the answers you were looking for even if they weren’t good nor what you were expecting….

Then I get angry and I want to walk up to our current Prime Minister and give him a serving including a punch in the nose because his priorities and what is happening in this so called “lucky country” is breathtaking in its incompetency and the spread of poverty and difficulty here is incredibly sad and frightening. We have no middle class anymore..there are the have’s apparently we have 49 billionaires now and the have nots, and never the twain shall meet.

I am lucky at present I have a very cheap place to stay even if it is one room (yes in a house…long story) but Rental and housing affordability here is now at its worst and the cost of living keeps spiraling out of control, I have no idea where I will end up if things don’t change and I get strong enough to lift myself out of it. I never thought at my age and stage of life I could be on the precipice of calling a space under a bridge my home and I am not joking, many are sleeping that way with no help at hand it is what you don’t see and can not imagine of this ‘lucky country’ it is currently well hidden. And it is the first time I have admitted this and this adds to the other shit I am dealing with. Welfare, not that I receive it and I will do my darnedest to stay away from it but welfare does not cover food and rent…nowhere near it because things are just so damned expensive in this country now.

We are nowhere near other countries I know and I am grateful for that, but we are hurting just the same. It takes alot to down the Australian spirit, a hell of alot, but I know there is an undercurrent of negativity and hopelessness that I have never seen before here. I wish I could help, but one things at a time. I do care, I care very deeply about everything, hence the psych appointment!

A certain person who shall remain nameless said to me recently as part of the marvelous montage of compliments (NOT) he gave me, but it was one of the nicer ones and in part quite true “Geez man you think too much” (in Yankee drawl). Well yes, I do, but it’s better than not thinking at all you stupid bastard and bahhhh humbug…ooops, there’s anger again…..Valium please!;)

When you wake and the day seems sunny…..funny, how many bloody Joe’s are there in this world?!

This morning I woke and the day seemed sunnier somehow. Totally unexpected when I thought I was sinking into the black abyss again which I have experienced a number of times before. I slept better last night and for a good length of time unbroken….does this mean that even though there still are challenges to face my mind and body are in a much better position to do so than ever before and if so is that because this time things I am doing like being open and discussing, inclusion meaning including my friends this time in the process, lack of medication fogging my brain further etc has somehow taken some of the power from the pain and sadness? Is the other person in this war of the brain the more positive stronger Roz is winning the fight against the negative one because I am determined she will? Dear god please let that be so…

There are many forms of depression and many reasons that people suffer from it and although there is much out there about it only by going through it can you really understand it in any way. Some forms can not be helped except with help of medication, I stress that because I never want to give the wrong impression to anyone. My journey is my journey alone. But I really feel that if I was medicated still I would not be able to be thinking and moving through things the way that I currently am.

I have said this before but this time is different in so many ways. And I know that if I was truly in the black of depression I would not be feeling this way so I am going to find whatever it is that is helping and do more of it, prolifically!!

A funny thing happened this morning as I read my emails, I received a response from Itunes whom I download copious amounts of music from and yes I have no problem paying for because as I have said before the Artists who shed blood sweat and tears to create these wonderful pieces of art are very deserving of receiving payment for it. For them it is also a job, time spent providing a product and you would not, not pay for the pair of shoes that you put on your feet would you?

I had a problem with a downloaded tune, and I must say that is a very rare occurrence considering the number I have downloaded and they are always quick to respond and very helpful!!

So a part of the response was as the cut and paste below:

“Hi Roslyn,

Thank you for contacting iTunes Store Support. My name is Joe your iTunes Store Advisor.

I understand that the song “Driven to Tears (The Police)” is not playing properly. I know how eager you are to listen to songs you paid for. I want to make sure that this gets resolved so I’d be glad to work with you on this.”

Now, blow me down, as I have said before there are many things that have been shown and had placed before me by the powers above out there lately. Over this time the amount of Joe’s that keep coming up is staggering. It could be that it is one of the most common names in the world! But this morning I woke, he was there for a while in my head but I realised he no longer had that same power to hurt me, just like that.

Usually, if that name had popped up I would then spend a decent amount of time thinking again about how hurt and sad I was and back down memory lane I would go perpetuating this madness. The last part of the line that I highlighted ‘be glad to work with you on this’ were almost verbatim what Joe had said to me when we first reconnected and he wanted to help me (from a distance) get better as I was coming off the meds etc, strange coincidence.

Instead of spiraling, this time as I read this and I had a little laugh to myself and said ‘that’d be right!!’ but I am fine with it!

His power over me has almost gone! YIPPEE!

It’s going to be a good day today, I know there is no magic bullet but…..IT IS…..Love and white light xxxx

The card in the post….laugh and cry…I wonder what its like out there?

I have to somehow break my isolation today move from the safety and protection of my room and go to see my doctor in a little while when I really am struggling with it today. Please forgive my writing..chaotic mind disjointed and badly written post!

The thought of being out amongst people in public physically. It’s ironic because I am exposing myself very publicly over the net but it is somehow not the same. What a weird state of affairs really!

I just received a late card in the mail from a dear friend in Sydney. And in the midst of the gloom it made me laugh my arse off and cry a tad and so did his words, he calls me “Miss Adventure” amongst other things which I love!; ” Here’s to the effortlessly effervescent, always glamorous and ever gorgeous Roz, Happy Birthday, Make sure you take some time out to celebrate and reward your calamitous and beautiful self! Much love and best wishes…” I sort of feel bad for revealing his words because they are to me and private and special like he is but it warmed my heart like he does.

He had me pegged from day one! You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just click and you know that you are going to be friends for life even if you don’t get to see each other often at all, sadly. He is just lovely, and very smart and I often thought why can’t he just fall for me and we can live happy ever after in witty and comical banter and crazyness. But he is actually far too sane and intelligent for me amongst other things…

My other dear friend hand extended checked in and told me she was proud of me seeing the signs and the road to be travelled…and three more belated wishes from three beautiful souls I met over east but are now back in their native of Italy and Sweden. And I just don’t get it or understand how they can still want to be friends with this woman who has serious issues to deal with and I keep saying how damn blessed am I?

This is different as ai keep saying this time (in my depressed state) its like part of my life is just going on pretty much and the other is in a kind of slow motion and my head feels at times numb.

I am also getting a funny woosh wooshing sensation in my head now and again when I move my eyes which is alot like the times when I missed an antidepressant when I took them. But it happens rarely now and its been 9 months since I have been off them…after 17 years…..

I am getting sick of writing about all this, and reading it back…..I want to the miraculous recovery, I want my life back, but I will not take a pill and think it will all go away, I wont go there again…..NOT THIS TIME….