I wrote my last post in drunkenness and despair. I had started the day in happiness because I saw my boy and he seemed better than previous days. We even had a laugh, although now I have to watch that as he could choke to death. It just is.
But I descended into a profound sadness and needed to let everything out. All the weeks, years, but particularly the last few months of extreme stress, pressure and sadness. I realised that even though what I write might be verbally offensive, with my expletives and blatant honestly, I found writing cathartic a while back. When I was getting over depression and grief and life’s general bullshit and wank.
We often criticise these days of self absorbed selfies and narcissism rampant, but I have to say I have always felt more at home being honest and upfront. There is no effort in that for me.
I have a rare day of peace today. I finally feel there is a certain respite…my boy is ok for now…well not but..
I am sitting having a wine and have my wonderful music on. My go to when I need an escape. Although I haven’t done it so much lately because when I am really struggling music can sometimes bring me down further and I dont want to destroy the haven.
So much is at question right now. I have managed to secure a short contract of work which starts next month. My lease is up on my apartment soon and realistically I cant afford to move as much as I want to. It is a little box in the sky, million dollar views but little else. Mould on the walls that have been painted over. Paint peeling off the walls. A kitchen that is not even as big as a public toilet cubicle. And at present they have taken the lifts down to upgrade so I have to go up and down 9 flights of stairs sometimes 5 or 6 times a day. If my asthma was bad I would die for sure! But the universe has seen fit to spare me from that at least for now. And thank god my balance is almost fully restored from the labrynthitis. Dear god, I read this back and think….you can not make this stuff up!
But being a veteran of mind struggles and life’s taunts I said to myself; “this is a good day, lets just listen to the birds, appreciate the grey sky (yes it is grey and gloomy out there), let every bloody thing going on in the cosmos go on and just savour each moment of breath”. Breathe.
Et tu? I am looking at the wonderful photo’s all around me of my beautiful sons, pics of friends and my travels and can’t help thinking this is not what I thought my life would turn out like. But it just is. And yet the upside has been I have lived a pretty full life in my first 30 or so years. I have done things that many never get a chance to. Fly planes, sing in a band, travel the world and lived overseas, perform in a dance troupe, television, played sports and excelled, got a degree, experience ridiculous romantic moments, work in different genres and generally meet some extraordinary people.
My son has not been able to do this, so I must be grateful. I must.
Ahhh…one of my favorite artists just came on Carole King:
As for my love life. The lovely man I’ve been dating is still being immensely supportive. It’s important, some men just don’t know how, its not as natural as it is for women.
I am starting to think this post is boring, but it is because as I said I am at peace today and grateful for it. And things have been so fucked up lately, my menopause has taken a back seat…yes I flush like a bastard but that is nothing compared to!
Signing off on this insipid post for now, insipid ain’t me!:)
Time to visit my favorites Bukowski and Wilde, 2 quotes before I go
“To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that is all” – Oscar Wilde
and Charles Bukowski:
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Love and whitelight all xxx