a moment of peace…

I wrote my last post in drunkenness and despair. I had started the day in happiness because I saw my boy and he seemed better than previous days. We even had a laugh, although now I have to watch that as he could choke to death. It just is.

But I descended into a profound sadness and needed to let everything out. All the weeks, years, but particularly the last few months of extreme stress, pressure and sadness. I realised that even though what I write might be verbally offensive, with my expletives and blatant honestly, I found writing cathartic a while back. When I was getting over depression and grief and life’s general bullshit and wank.

We often criticise these days of self absorbed selfies and narcissism rampant, but I have to say I have always felt more at home being honest and upfront. There is no effort in that for me.

I have a rare day of peace today. I finally feel there  is a certain respite…my boy is ok for now…well not but..

I am sitting having a wine and have my wonderful music on. My go to when I need an escape. Although I haven’t done it so much lately because when I am really struggling music can sometimes bring me down further and I dont want to destroy the haven.

So much is at question right now.  I have managed to secure a short contract of work which starts next month. My lease is up on my apartment soon and realistically I cant afford to move as much as I want to. It is a little box in the sky, million dollar views but little else. Mould on the walls that have been painted over. Paint peeling off the walls.  A kitchen that is not even as big as a public toilet cubicle. And at present they have taken the lifts down to upgrade so I have to go up and down 9 flights of stairs sometimes 5 or 6 times a day.  If my asthma was bad I would die for sure! But the universe has seen fit to spare me from that at least for now. And thank god my balance is almost fully restored from the labrynthitis.  Dear god, I read this back and think….you can not make this stuff up!

But being a veteran of mind struggles and life’s taunts I said to myself; “this is a good day, lets just listen to the birds, appreciate the grey sky (yes it is grey and gloomy out there), let every bloody thing going on in the cosmos go on and just savour each moment of breath”. Breathe.

Et tu?  I am looking at the wonderful photo’s all around me of my beautiful sons, pics of friends and my travels and can’t help thinking this is not what I thought my life would turn out like. But it just is. And yet the upside has been I have lived a pretty full life in my first 30 or so years. I have done things that many never get a chance to. Fly planes, sing in a band, travel the world and lived overseas, perform in a dance troupe, television, played sports and excelled, got a degree, experience ridiculous romantic moments, work in different genres and generally meet some extraordinary people.

My son has not been able to do this, so I must be grateful. I must.

Ahhh…one of my favorite artists just came on Carole King:

As for my love life. The lovely man I’ve been dating is still being immensely supportive. It’s important, some men just don’t know how, its not as natural as it is for women.

I am starting to think this post is boring, but it is because as I said I am at peace today and grateful for it. And things have been so fucked up lately, my menopause has taken a back seat…yes I flush like a bastard but that is nothing compared to!

Signing off on this insipid post for now, insipid ain’t me!:)

Time to visit my favorites Bukowski and Wilde, 2 quotes before I go

“To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist, that is all” – Oscar Wilde

and Charles Bukowski:

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Love and whitelight all xxx

 

 

 

 

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The Marathon….the realm of possibility

I don’t care what people think anymore, I just dont.

When you have been through the eye of the storm, and you manage to live through it you simply dont give a flying fuck. I am not talking about the hurricanes recently and believe me no disrespect intended, I truly feel for the suffering of those beautiful people who have without fault or any act of their own have been hit by such tragedy. But I can only look at things from my micro-world right now. Really.

I wrote profoundly and insistently about my experience with the narcissist in this blog and my broken heart and mind. And then my recovery. But nothing has been as painful  as the realization that hit me about my beautiful son’s degeneration and the subsequent pain and events.

These past few months have been a motherfucker. I am highly cognizant of the fact that there are so many others suffering. BUT THIS IS MY WORLD, it is all that I can not handle right now. Its fucking tough.

In the last so many months, I was blessed (NOT) with labyrinthitis and other, where your balance, equilibrium and sanity completely leave you, and this diagnosis or so the local doctors say that is was, was difficult. It was devastating from a life and work perspective because  at the same time my work contract was about to end and I had to re-apply for my position due to the idiotic Government process (and consequently my contract did end partially because of it) and my son’s illness amped up congruently ..we both ended up in hospital..his illness infinitely more devastating, but for me, a woman who has been divorced and has had time out of work, in my 50’s and the ageism that surrounds me, it sucked. It essentially meant what little savings I managed to put away was not going to last ..and apparently the so called “income protection insurance” that they espouse in this country, would not cover me because even though I tried and went into work some days and struggled enormously for it, it was my downfall. Apparently I had to be completely incapacitated (and I actually was) and wait out a long waiting period ie..dont try to go into work at all even though you know if you dont you wont have any money to live….arrrghh

I am just grateful that my boy is still with us for now…

And in this goddamned outrageously useless and infinitely expensive city, where many spend nearly half of their wage on either rent or mortgage…and the people who earn the most will dispute that…Perth is a wonderful place to live…sown up by archaic, prosaic, controlling arseholes, who dont give a shit about anyone but themselves….and as I have seen first hand a medical system that is so substandard it almost killed my dying son, life is peachy..NOT

I am so mentally tired. My boy was in the high dependency unit with pneumonia because they drugged him so much, admittedly for the pain of his increasing dystonia, but far too much that if my ex husband had not been there that late at night in the ward we would have lost him, they had to revive him.  I have made a pretty much daily vigil to the hospital whilst unemployed so I guess it was a blessing in disguise?!  Whilst struggling with my own illness which thankfully now months later finally seems to be subsiding but the stress of possibly losing my son, feeling ill, not being able to pay the rent and then into the mix a new relationship that started just before all this SHIT HIT THE FAN…

This man has been amazing. Over the most difficult time and even now, would call or message and ask first thing in the morning, during the day and evening “how are you Hun” how is your boy, how are you etc.

I wasn’t overly interested in him, he seemed docile, possibly unintelligent compared to the highly yet fucking narcissistic and crazy bastards I usually date, I was dating a couple of other people, but over time, he grew on me. Not just the caring. Now I realise my expectations were unrealistic. I had gone into a pattern of expectation bought about by  cynicism, age and judgement, coloured by other peoples opinions and I had effectively shut myself away from the realm of possibly. He is sublime, compared to them all. And in this crazy fucking time I am so grateful he is there. Solid. And it is surprising being he is a decade younger than I.  Mind you I guess all the idiotic bastards of my age and older have been so self absorbed, wanted younger women even with their failing phallus’s…it seems quite ironic.

There is  a life beyond…

Time heals…who fucking coined that?

It takes time for things to heal admittedly,  but  I have to say that  alot of this mindfulness and new age bullshit is exactly that…bullshit. It is an industry just like all the other crap that we seem to buy into, that earns dollars and rarely really has a true concern for our needs…without an agenda…C’est la vie?

Why do we  as a reasonably intelligent, or is that questionable, people accept that? Is it because we dont seem to have a moral compass anymore..one that used to be influenced religion? Or similar?

It’s taken me some time. I have evolved past the yank 1..the life beyond him…one… I had a couple of years and as I read previously at the end of time with yank 2  which now seems eons ago another period of time where I felt like I needed to be with these men. I could not be complete without them, or so it seemed. Reality now. I am very much a strong and confident individual without these men that I thought were the be all and end all of life. You see, I bought into the mantra of society that if I did not have a committed partner I had a problem.

WELL FUCK THAT…I now realise this is a myth constructed by religion and a mentality that can not see beyond a paradigm or archaic construct that I no longer want to be a part of.  If you are in a happy committed relationship I am happy for you, but do not put that expectation on me. You do not have that right. If I choose to live a free life then that is my right.

You just need to see beyond the construct of our previous shackles and mentality….you really do.

So after my soapbox speech, this is what is going on with me…LOL.. bear in mind I am several whiskeys to the wind right now.  Several…

When I got back from that wonderful trip to Chicago and Tennessee, and it was wonderful, and I will not forget the wonderful time I had with yank 2, and at that time he was amazing and I cannot fault him at that time and I am grateful for the amazing time we had and  I will never forget it.

What happened after that, well, it was mainly my fault, I was insecure and vindictive I admit. And I am not proud of it but it put an end to us an I am sad it happened that way.

But he suggested the time and distance and it worked. I struggled but over time I let go. Which I think he knew and wanted. I dont blame him.

I did drunk dial him a number of times after, and he ignored me. I dont blame him for that also although I think a big man would have the courage to be friends. He was not.

So now; I have been dating three different men. Well I was prior to writing this. But the adventures I wish I had written about…oh my lord. Another three characters: boring, Italian and dreadlocks boy. Oh dear god..

I am to tired for this right now…temporary… oh geez.. I need to sleep..work in the morning. I have been in my job for almost a year and a half and I am grateful for the stability but I need to investigate a different career…something that soothes my soul…perhaps writing…to be continued..

 

 

 

 

How it should be done…;)

I have just arrived home from a wonderful 12 days away in the States, 9 that really mattered..

Sitting and sipping just a finger or two of my duty free whiskey, trying to get over the damned jet lag that I did not feel until about an hour ago and thinking that it may help lull me to sleep eventually, but not for a while, I need to get back to my normal pattern.

You see, I just had the most wonderful 9 days with Yank 2…And remember thinking as I felt so sad taxi-ing out of Chicago a day or so ago and leaving that marvelously interesting, charming, sweet, vulnerable, disarming, extraordinarily intelligent, handsome, beautifully complex and..an absolute gentle-man to boot, what a difference?!

I am perplexed. When I compare it with the “him” in my title, this gosh darn waste of words and blog…NO FUCKING CONTEST…

This man (yank 2) has more class in his little toe, on one foot mind you, than that other wanker ever had in all his life…sound harsh, wasn’t meant to be but my god when you see and experience such a profound difference in human behaviour, relationships…uhh

I wanted to write and catch every wonderful moment, but we just spent quality time together. And quality it was. From the time I arrived and he picked me up at the airport..his beautiful cheeky peek around the pilon right near me and when I saw it I was immediately thrilled and laughed at the same time. That is the difference. We laugh together. The kiss…

This man knows how to treat a woman. Something Yank 1 said and professed profusely but did not have a clue about.

I had to write about it. I no longer care..the past is well past. It was an experience but one that affected me immensely at that time in my life. But irrespective of what happened I knew yank 2 and I would connect on a much better level. We have been talking on skype for a long long time.

We have our…issues, not he and I but us individually. We are not good at relationships either of us. And we did have a ‘moment’ once in the entire time but seem to sort it, because we like being with each other.

From our road trip to Memphis, we were in the car for long hours driving there and back, but we were good. We got to see Graceland, a highlight in so many ways. And had a great night out on Beale st, we saw Sun Studios and Stax..Soulsville, my god I was in absolute awe.

Jazz and blues in Chicago, Pool and drinks at his local which was a charming little bar near where he lives. Oh dear, so many wonderful days and nights..

ITS HOW ITS DONE…opening the car door for a woman, walking on the road side to protect her from traffic, just a numerous amount of things that I was …I thought that was an older courtesy that was old and long gone. But let me tell you, chivalry is not quite gone. This man has it in spades and I am so lucky he is in my life. After all this time.

So grateful.

And he has a beautiful soul.

I want to write more but  am so tired right now, and what little whiskey is left in my glass I want to savour as I look out at this marvelous view, listen to good music and remember so many wonderful days with him…and ponder… the life beyond…

Love and whitelight xx

 

One day at a time…disconnected

It is such a beautiful day today. After a week of almost non stop rain and grey skies the sun has come out and I am trying to get myself motivated to go to the gym, or at least go for a walk in the sunshine and fresh air. Touch nature. Earth myself and reconnect with life going on. Because I have disconnected again.

Normally I would have my beautiful eldest son here with me being a Sunday, but this morning as I woke I struggled. I have been struggling for the past week at least. I had a virus and my body was so fucked up with anxiety, grief and stress that it was fatigued and just said ‘no’. For at least 3 of the days I could barely pull myself out of bed. I felt so weak. Nothing is more fucked up as when both your body and your mind says ‘no’.

All things were leading to it. My eldest son whom those who read this blog know is now showing the full effects of this insidious neurodegenerative disease that not only takes everything from him but takes those that love him along with it…its painful to watch. Inside I feel like my heart is slowly being torn to bits, and my soul aches. My hopes and dreams for this beautiful human to have a wonderful fulfilling life no longer an option.

Some days I pull myself out of everything because I can not face watching everyone else be able to just go on with their lives, moaning and groaning about how someone cut them off on the road, or the neighbours cat pooing in their garden, or a friend bitching about another friend because they just did not agree with them, or that America is in such a hole because of that idiot twat-face who seems to think he has the right to call himself a President! and I just want to scream;

FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK YOU WITH YOUR INSIGNIFICANT DIATRIBE…..MY SON IS DYING…

So many things have pushed me these last weeks. Hearing that his sight is starting to fail on top of everything else and being with him on the couch watching him fall asleep next to me tired and imagining he may stop breathing in front of me, or is this what he will look like when he passes. Shit at the office, people speaking to me and about me as if I was a bit of shit under their boot because their own lives are so fucked up they needed to pick on someone who seems happy and affable and just ‘nice’. A very dear friend of mine, miles away in Sydney where I can’t get to see him telling me by text because he can no longer speak, his cancer has now moved into his spine. An ex – fiance who I haven’t seen in nearly 30 years arriving back in town and harassing me endlessly with phone calls and text messages to help him because he did stupid stuff again and has no one else he can leach off because he has fucked up again and again, but hey, just call Roz..she’s a soft touch.  And lastly, temporarily pulling away from my beautiful yank 2 because everything that was going on was becoming just too much and causing myself heartache over it in the meantime because I was shutting myself off from the one thing that does bring some happiness and joy into my life at present.

I don’t make it easier by not taking medication, everyone else does it to cope why don’t I?

Because it took me a long time to see my normal self again after 17 years on it and I worked hard to find me again in the middle of probably the worst 5 years of my life. No, I got that wrong, this has been a return to some of the worst years of my life as my childhood was pretty awful and fucked up.

Doesn’t matter what I say, there will always be some other smartarse out there that will say; well at least you have a roof over your head and you are not starving etc etc…I fucking know that you moron but there is only so much a person can handle on their own in their own life without taking on the guilt of every fucked up thing in this world today.

I watched the wonderful Gore Vidal in a documentary about his life last night. It was not too long before his death and an interviewer asked him what he thought his legacy would be and he did not miss a beat and said “I really do not give a … damn”.  It made me laugh. It made me think how wonderful it would be if I could simply not give a damn about it all. Easier, less painful.

But I can’t because I do, so I need to take each day as it comes and move one foot after the other and reconnect.

I am now going to take that walk in the sunshine whilst it is out….

Love and whitelight xx

Life well past him..over 2 years on..

It’s been many months since I have posted. Recently a friend said to me ‘you haven’t written in your blog for a long time’ I told her I was surprised she’d read it, and she said, ‘of course I enjoy reading it’.

Writing seemed to help me through troubled times.  My very first post was 18 May 2015 only days after being back from Arizona and seeing the ‘him’ in ‘life beyond him’ that fucking crazy time. When I read back some of my posts I say ‘oh boy what a troubled mind’.

Yank 2 (I hate calling him that now because I know he doesn’t like being referred to as yank but that was the character name I gave at the time), Chicago boy, whom I am still connected to but this weekend had decided to pull away from for my sanity often says my one redeeming feature is self awareness. Oh I am aware, I am aware how much I do not fit into this crazy existence and at times, like today I realise how much easier it is to just let everything overwhelm you to such an extent that you just want to leave this life..find peace, and death seems very attractive. But that is no longer my reality. I am stronger than that. I just have days when I need to recalibrate.  I am still 2 and a half years off antidepressants after 17 years on them and although I have bad days they are few and far between now and I get over it. The reality is life is not one straight path. It meanders and it runs uphill and downhill and sometimes round and round in circles.

Today I am having a mental health day. And I have been honest and told my bosses why. But I feel incredibly guilty because I am grateful I now have a job.  I work with good people and that is a blessing and even though it is only a contract until September 2018 I at least feel safe until then and that helps.  I have an apartment with an amazing view of the city.  Its old inside, paint peeling, fixtures from the early 60’s but I have made it my space and it is pretty cosy. I get out and about more often and even though I still would prefer to be elsewhere, like Sydney or even Chicago, at this time it is good to be in the city. I have some freedom again, not locked up in a little room miles from everything, isolated, down and unable to afford to get out and see my sons let alone anywhere else, living with a loud, selfish and quite mad mother whom I now just pity more often than not.

I see my sons regularly and at this time with my eldest sons disease now taking everything from him it is where I need to be.  After spending the day with him yesterday and watching him trapped in his body, with his eyesight going now too…I looked into those beautiful eyes as I held him and I felt utterly shattered. I cried in front of him (and that is not done in my book, I always try to keep him happy) and apologised that this was happening to him and I felt so helpless…it was the worst feeling in the world. It makes the pain, hell and damage I felt from that narcissistic bastard of 2 years ago pale in comparison.

And Yank 2. We are still friends. We had agreed about a year ago to keep things at that level but somehow it escalated it again and only a week ago we were talking about first me going over there for a couple of weeks and then it changed to him coming here, well, to Sydney at least where his brother is.  Where we would finally meet in the physical sense. We have had months of the most amazing connection, skyping regularly every week, I think the love and care was just palpable. Plenty of laughs and good discussions. But we are both quite flawed individuals. I am probably more prone to admitting that than he.

I stopped writing also because I felt it difficult to tell this story and put it out there in public without repercussions. People knowing or realising who I am talking about. The Italian hated it and yet read my posts especially about him constantly. Alot of people want privacy yet have no problem with social media posts, selfies and yank 3 used to say he liked reading about himself in my posts! But he’s a crazy funny bastard and is quite happy with himself. He has left Guam now and is back in the States, Texas I think after a short time in Colorado. He pops up now and again, sends me something funny on Messenger but we are not Facebook friends. I try to restrict that and at times I find I need to pull away from the constant chatter of FB and as I have said before the apparent ‘perfect lives’ everyone seems to be having on there. Even Instagram which people now seem to use more often is just one photo of peoples wonderful lives after another I am surprised there aren’t shots of them wiping there arses on the toilet with happy smiles!

Its the way of the world now. Adapt or go mad!

I just realised it has taken me hours to write this. I have stopped along the way to cry, think,  remember. Try make sense of things. Try put some clarity into a head and body that is tired and muddled. But that is today.

Love and whitelight xx

Life, beyond, him…why am I female?

I was going to cease and desist. My blog. And it’s been 3 months since I have written.

Alot has happened. Alot has not changed.

Buggered if I know how to publish this without the reach of Facebook. I have recently deactivated my Facebook page and quite frankly, the peace and the lack of feeling as if my life was a complete loss compared to all these happy faces taking a trip here and there, newly married, happy shots of big groups of friends on big social occasions, all the ‘everyone else is bloody deliriously happy but me’ shots they post and POSITIVE thinking shit to boot; if you don’t think ‘this’ you are failing in life but we will pat your back anyway….bloody arrrggghh

Just about drove me to despair…in fact it did..

My life. Sucks. Has sucked for the last few years. Starting with Yank 1..the ‘him’ in Life beyond him…blahdy blah. Should never have gone there…but I did.

Yank 2 whom I still talk to and adore but he does not know what he wants (although he thinks he does) and is too frozen in place with his comfortable at present life. But there is something missing…I guess there is for us all…

There have been others recently too (I still play when I want to), but not really worth an honourable mention. Except the italian who is wonderful to talk to…we are friends.

Moving through prelude to and then meno..fucking pause itself that never seems to pause dammit…

My eldest son and his degenerative disease and losing his ability to talk, eat, walk etc etc and because of forces I am unable to control not being able to see him as often or even….oh god…

Living in a place I have not wanted to be in for far too long. Work..Economic situation in this goddamn arsehole of a parochial, expensive, isolated and far too keen on themselves city…plus much more and under a haze I cannot at this very point be more specific…

Oh shit..I should just shoot myself now. And I probably would if it wasn’t for my two..older now but beautiful sons…

Sometimes, I absolutely hate being a woman too. We sacrifice alot to bring up and look after our kids. Alot of men are able to continue their careers while we have to exit to have our kids and by the time we are back things have changed..we have to play catch up and if we divorce, if we aren’t bitches in general who clean our husbands out at divorce because we want to be fair and equitable we miss out on alot of superannuation and other things. Our bodies are stretched and scarred beyond recognition and so are our vaginas which MEN eventually use as an excuse to be seeking out younger women…because oh geez who wants a vagina that’s had a human life pass through it???

Why would a man want a wrinkled..life lived and totally fucked by men woman when we can have a 20 year old with a father complex, tight vagina and never has the brain capacity to question the sugar daddy even he with the limpest of cocks…fuck who cares I can buy buy buy on his credit card because the silly limp dicked bastard is just extremely happy I am even giving him the time of day…what limp dick?

Do I seem like a disconnected angry female…?  Yes I am…

I could go on feeling victimised. Resentful. There is plenty of good reason. But the only one that this energy is going to effect is me.

This is why I stopped writing…I am still…not in a good place. Not good enough for the expectations society places on me…yet…what is the way out…

Love and whitelight xx

La Fin..Life Beyond Him..

Its taken a while but my 20 year old (my youngest son..whom is well) made a valid point yesterday. We spent some valuable one on one time…rare these days but wonderful.

What is the the point of “life beyond him” mum..’him’..that time..is over.

He was right. I no longer consider that time in my life as relevant.

He..Him..is now a figment. A colossal waste of time and energy. And the rest pretty much are too. A ridiculous aberration. A dumb ass period of absolute futility.

I have dated a couple of times after him who shall  remain nameless. In the rare time I would lift up and say ohh fuck it I have to get out..it reiterated that even though there are nice guys there..rare.. I am older and far more aware of what fits and what doesn’t.

I have finally learned and had enough. Now it is all about peace and being happy with me. Just me.

I still talk to Yank 2. The stayer in this all. He who shall remain nameless predicted I had a connection with Y2. Yes, I guess he was right. And very recently we seemed to get closer again. But I am no longer happy banging my head, considering the man first, penis driven (not that Y2 and I have been able to consummate as such..we only skype, email and phone  but hell we’ve had some fun!). And he is damned interesting and funny and alot of things certain others just aren’t.

But I am also not certain about him. I met his beloved older brother, whom he loves and absolutely adores…when I was in Sydney earlier this year and he was lovely. Then there was a family wedding I was asked to go to, it seemed to be the thing…it kept us motivated for a while. I was meant to fly to Chicago to attend and to see him and luckily it didn’t happen. It appears it just wasn’t right. We are half a globe away. He had said that when it came to crunch time (a couple of days before I flew) he felt “If you see a tornado, do you run to it or from  it?”

He told me that after we hadn’t spoken for a couple of months, and then only  as friends.

I love him as a friend. And as time has gone on maybe more..again. Our conversations and other has progressed again. But I am SO DONE with all the wank and bullshit between men and women these days.

There is no such thing as loyalty. Everyone is looking for the next best thing. At the drop of a hat.

I’ve been through a blinding depression again recently. I have not felt so damn black and hopeless and profoundly sad and…oh the list goes on for a long time and this time sans medication. I have questioned why the flying fuck am I here…aside from my anchors..my sons. I can’t be bothered talking about it because these days everyone has an ‘expert’ opinion. AND THEY ARE JUST FUCKING IGNORANT AND WRONG more often than not.

So I don’t bother.

I can’t be bothered with lack of intelligence, experience and ignorance. Bias, parochialism, idiocy, self centredness, narcissism and Machiavellianism.

But it seems to be the way of the world. Elections, business, government, relationships etc.

Anyway.

It is time to say farewell to this blog. My friend indeed. It has served me well.

It is time to start a new thing. New title, theme, life, attitude…oh geez..god knows what…

At this stage I am tiddly and tired. My shuffle on Ipod has just started to play White Zombie…something really heavy and right now…it just doesn’t resonate.

Need to just write afresh. Start afresh when I feel motivated. Maybe use another method of reach. I am not happy with the fact that the people you don’t want to access your writing like  prospective employers, government, other organisations and people that should have no real business in your business, use the public domain to form opinions and biases when in all reality sometimes they have no idea what is real and what is not.

In essence..if we are not at work or whatever it is none of their damned business. Stop spying you arseholes…FUCK OFF

Anyway. I thank my loyal few followers and readers. I wish you all alot of love and luck.

I will write again…under a different title and probably pen name..I hope we meet again

Love an whitelight xxx